2019 to 2020!

A photo I took to include with my photography final set – I got a 91 (lowest score I’ve received in the class)

I had the highest hopes for 2019 but it was a disaster from the start. I was mentally struggling so much throughout the year and while I had a false turnaround during the year, things only started to change for the better in the last quarter. I finally broke and sought out a therapist through my university. It was definitely rough the first few weeks, but as I was finally able to unbottle all of my immediate bad feelings and talk through them, I started to feel better. With each session I felt better and better and gradually gained more self-worth. I won’t get into all of my problems but I’ve always felt like I was never good enough and I craved validation from others throughout my life. My feelings were validated by my therapist/s in my therapy sessions but the difference was that I also believed they were valid (and still do!). One thing I learned was that even though important people in my life never prioritized me in their lives, that didn’t mean that I wasn’t good enough. How others felt/feel about me doesn’t represent my true value. It was a tough year but not as tough as 2016 am I right guys?? Haha. But I also found out that 2020 is the year of the rat on the Chinese Zodiac which was my birth year animal, 1996 baby! I’m not Chinese but I was really proud of being born the year of the rat when I was younger, and I’m still into it as an adult. I don’t want to give myself false hope saying that 2020 will be my year but it kind of is already. I’ve been working harder to work past my fears and insecurities instead of letting them consume me and I hope that I’ll be able to make next year much better than I hoped 2019 would be. Here are some of the good things about 2019:

  • I made a best friend (Andrea!)
  • I got out of the house a lot more
  • I’m learning to not be a pushover
  • I’ve rediscovered my love for photography
  • I’ve been better at showing and accepting love from my boyfriend
  • I passed all of my Fall semester classes!
  • I know I’m not worthless or better off dead

I don’t want to be crazy and make 20 goals for 2020 but I would like to make a few goals that are more manageable. Here are my 2020 goals!

  • Work harder
  • Spend more time on my hobbies/passions
  • Use less single-use plastic
  • Read my 積ん読 (tsundoku; books that I have collected but not read)
  • Practice Japanese

While I love blogging, I think I may discontinue this blog. I want each post to be aesthetically pleasing as well as informative about the theme of the post, but I never block out the time for creating content. I may just make smaller posts on my Instagram about things I want to talk about. It would be easier for me to update since I’m on there 24 hours a day anyways. I have four Instagram accounts: BabyHavolyn for her and my other cats, Eternitylnv as my personal account, Yochinaakumu (Yōchina akumu – Google translate said this meant “Childish Nightmares”) for anime screengrabs, and elnvphotography to post photos that I’ve taken on my camera! It’s a lot I know, but I don’t post daily on all of them. Tell me if this is a real problem so I know. I also wanted to make a website just for my photography so people could easily see all of my work. (I mostly want this so I can make cute business cards hehe.) I’m feeling very indecisive about what I want to do in terms of having a blog, photography wesbite, and posting small blog posts on my Instagram. I do my blog for fun so I don’t make it a priority like the people who blog as their job but I want to make more of an effort. I’m sorry this post is all over the place, I have so much to say but i’m trying to squish it all into one post.

I hope everyone has a fun and safe New Year’s Eve! Please don’t drink and drive, or go home with strangers because they could be murderers! I think i’d like to dance to Panic at the Disco, drink Vanilla Coke, and play video games with my lovebug to bring in the new year!

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